I recently became the happy owner of a book by the well-known
wallpaper consultant Hans Alfredson, "A small booklet about the
burning of branches, leaves, and other things in a corner of the
garden" (commonly known as ``the BLOT'').

The BLOT sets down some guidelines on the above mentioned subject,
and the Wallpaper Society has chosen it as its model for regulations
for the burning of branches, leaves, twigs and other things in a
corner of the garden.

I have brought 867 unclear points in the proposed regulations to the
attention of the regulators. Unfortunately some regulators seem wholly
ignorant of the much more precise rules for the burning of newspaper
and small pieces of cloth that would obviously resolve most
obscurities.  Worse, SOME members of the Wallpaper Society willfully
ignore these regulations.  It is sad that an incomprehensible basis
havs been chosen for the regulative work. I can't find a single clear
statement in the BLOT.

Obviously nothing based on the BLOT could be in any way useful to
anybody.  It is far too complex to comprehend even for me!  The BLOT is
not as perfect as the bigots claims; it must be expanded to at least
2000 pages before anybody will be able to manage a garden using it.
This will not happen this century!!!

I abhor the non-regulated way safety matches have been described; it
will prevent any use of them north of the Arctic circle, something that
was not overlooked in the newspaper burning regulations.  Worse yet,
some are claiming that I haven't actually ever burnt any twigs in my
garden.  This is completely irrelevant.  Vindictive slander like that is
only an indication a hidden agenda on behalf of these people.

I humbly apologize for my mistake concerning safety matches and want to
express my pleasure and thanks to Luke Skywalker for pointing out my
minor oversight of the impossibility of providing safety matches for
arctic conditions, Luke even forwarded an article written by Lord Vader
proving me wrong.  I apologize for my confusion, but this just
strengthens my case against the BLOT. If I can get confused after
careful study of the newspaper burning regulations then everybody else
should be confused as well, I will do my very best to make sure this
happens.

One of the obvious overlooked point is shrubs.  Can anybody point me to
the place in the BLOT where it says that shrubs can be burned?

I have proposed, informally, that the regulators adapt my wallpaper
proposal, which will fix 0.3254 confused points.

ps. Who is the Wizard of Oz?